Dear GOD, what am I supposed to do?!?

We have, in the last several days, seen behavior unlike any behavior before from our 3 year old, Elijah.  He is more of a struggle for me to parent that I could have ever prepared for.  It is ONLY the grace of God that will get us through this stage of his development.  He seems to have reached a new height of rebellion and inappropriate self assertion.  Yesterday with him was rough, but today was a whole new adventure.  My husband held me to him and let me weep in to his chest as I rambled on about how entirely angry Elijah makes me.  I cried on his shoulder for a good 5 or 10 minutes and finally felt my heart calm it's rapid beating.  Elijah was put to bed early tonight due to a rather bewildering display of hysteria over the haircut I was giving him.  He simply would not calm down.  He kicked and screamed and hit and just generally went ballistic.  He came to the top of the stairs to tell us that he wanted me to come pray with him.  Josh had showered him off and put him to bed while I was downstairs clenching my fists and taking some slooooow, deeep breaths.  I went up to pray with him.  I knelt down by his bed, tears streaming on to his pillow.  He reached up and brushed my hair aside and held my face as he said, "You sad."  I gulped and replied, "yes, bud, I am.  I am sad that you choose to disobey and I am sad that we have such a hard time having fun.  It makes me sad when you scream at me and hit me and tell me to get away from you.  I am sad that I get so angry with you.  I am sad that I am not a very good mommy sometimes."  I voiced a few more of the reasons why I was sad and he gently interrupted me, tapping his finger on his chest saying, "Me too, Mommy.  Makes me sad too."  Now his pillow was soaked, mascara streamed down my face and he said, "pray please, mommy.  I need to pray."  Talk about choking up.  I began the most genuine prayer I have ever prayed over or with him, pouring my heart out to him and to God as I begged, on my knees by my child's bed, that God would give us a new love for one another.  I pleaded for patience on my part and compliance on his.  I hid none of my sorrow from God tonight as I left my heart and my tears on my 3 year old son's pillow.  Elijah had his eyes clamped shut during most the prayer but would every now and then peek open and watch me plead and cry.  He would frown, his eyes would water and he'd clamp them back shut, grasping his hands together as tightly as possible.  I finished the prayer, stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.  He touched my face again.  I cried, he watched.  Elijah has an extraordinarily sensitive heart.  I rarely cry in front of him for this reason.  He fully understood, tonight, why I was hurting so badly.  We hugged, exchanged a genuine, "I love you" and I left the room.  Will this be a turning point in my relationship with my son?  Dear Jesus, please!  After pouring my heart out to my son, praying with him, loving on him and pleading with our creator and claiming the healing that I KNOW is waiting for us, I don't feel how I usually feel after a fall out like Elijah and I had this evening.  I know the healing has begun and I will claim it with my every breath! 

Hey there Nutella! I adore you!

I've loved Nutella since making it's acquaintance back in 2002 at Covenant Bible College in Strathmore AB, Canada.  That is where our love relationship started.  I've been able to manage our love within reason until recently.  My adoration for it has been soaring to new heights since we moved to Florida and the stress in my life has increased.  My 3 year old also finds great delight in Nutella and I often find myself hiding behind the cupboard door to shove down as many Nutella dipped pretzels as possible before he notices my absence and comes on the look out for me.  I usually manage to get one last delightful taste of the creamy spread before he comes around the corner, but often I will invite him to enjoy it with me.  Today for lunch I have a chicken breast sizzle pop frying on the stove.  It's perfectly seasoned with "True Lemon" lemon powder and Mrs Dash's Garlic and Herb seasoning (sodium free).  I was hungrier than usual for lunch today.  I stood for a minute staring at the olive oil pop in the pan after I sprinkled in the seasoning to sauté before adding the chicken breast.  Knowing the chicken breast would take several minutes I felt impatient with having to wait to make my wrap.  I turned slowly and gazed at the cupboard across the way.  It holds the key to hunger and stress relief.  It houses within it's wooden confines that delicious relief that beacons me to partake of it's smooth sweet creaminess.  I opened the door and there sat Nutella, staring me down and whispering in my ear how convenient it was that my "Snyder's of Hanover" unsalted Minis were sitting right beside it.  There is 11g of fat in ONE serving of Nutella.  I ate at least 2 servings in the 5 or 6 minutes it took for my chicken breast to sauté.  It is my vice.  In that 2 tbls serving there is ONLY 15mg of sodium!  Can you believe it?  A snack food that has so little sodium?!  In reviewing my weakness for the spread I've come to the conclusion that this is the very reason I am so addicted to it of late.

 I've recently decided to adhere to my physicians recommendations and strive to consume under 1500 milligrams a day (at the most!).  Until I set out upon this quest I hadn't the slightest idea how difficult this task would be.  There is salt it EVERYTHING!  I assumed that baked goods would be safe...why?...because they don't taste salty.  Turns out (most of you probably knew this, but I never took the time to realize it) that baking soda and baking powder are laced with sodium.  I mean, they are packed!  One measly teaspoon of  baking soda has 1280mg of sodium.  Holy moses!  Baking powder isn't quite as bad, but it still loads you down with sodium if you are eating a baked product that has a lot of height (like big poofy pastries and such - even a slice of bread).  So much for my mom's buttermilk biscuit recipe that I loved so dearly!  I'm alloted the equivalent of 1/4 tsp of salt per day.  That means, since nearly EVERYTHING has sodium already added in or naturally occuring within I add NO salt to ANYTHING!  Yeah, it sucks!  I always felt like I was creative with my cooking, but this has taken creativity in culinary arts to a level to which I have never claimed to be capable.  Salt fixes everything.  My dad's wife, Meleny, puts salt on her salad!  Why?  Because it tasted hellagood!  "Salt of the earth", "salt and light" and on and on.  There's a reason we dwell on salt.  It's DE LIC IOUS!  It's the fix-all!  Mrs. Dash has been a life saver with her (you suppose it's actually a her, or just a company?) menagerie of delicious spice blends, but they are all missing one thing...salt.  They would be complete in their deliciousness if they were to include that one simple substance.  

The most ironic part of all this is that I haven't really noticed a marked difference in the health and wellbeing of my left inner ear.  I don't have a freaking clue what is wrong with it and nor does any one else.  It doesn't fit the bill for anything anyone is familiar with.  For a while my vertigo went away, I mean for months!  It was wonderful.  I still went through the normal cycle of only being able to hear "normally" out of my left ear for mere hours or, if i was really lucky, a day.  But the vertigo is back.  Not with full force, but it's certainly hindered my ability, at times, to move much quicker than a little old lady with a walker.  I often panic thinking what my life would be like if the vertigo takes over.  We'd have to hire a full time nanny and I would lay in bed all day, trying my best to not vomit from the nausea the verigo causes, while listening to my children laugh and giggle and live their lives downstairs...without me.  Of course I would have to strain to hear any of the laughing and giggling because more often than not I am only able to hear a handful of pitches and sounds out of my left ear.  Depressing?  I think so!  This is Satan's (that bastard!) filthy mouth whispering fear in to my life.  

(discontented sigh) The low salt doesn't seem to make a difference.  In fact, the vertigo seems to have arrived back AFTER I started lowering my sodium intake.  Tell me if that makes sense!  I'll tell you, it doesn't!  I often trying bargaining with God.  It's one of the steps of grief after all.  I've realized lately that just when I think I've found my peace with the predicament I'm in, the cycle of grief starts all over again.  I'm sure if it will end, ever.  If not, then I've got to figure out how to cope.  Nutella is delicious and wonderful and fine for now, but it does nothing for me other than provide FANTASTIC taste bud stimulation while it's on my tongue.  I have wept, prayed, read, begged, questioned, and angered time and time again about this issue.  God is choosing to remain silent for the time being.  I don't understand why, but I'm glad he knows.