Elijah is eating his Kashi crunch, singing about it in humming as he always does when he's eating and has always done since he started eating solid food. It gets annoying to me, but it's very Elijah. It's a trademark Elijah thing to do, therefore I love it in a strange way because I love him, because he is my son. I'm grateful that God instilled in us a seeming impossibility to NOT love our children with everything we are. If he hadn't, Elijah may be in trouble, as would the rest of us at some point in our past or present lives. Judah is sitting glassy eyed in his Bumbo watching his brother do anything he can think to make him laugh. It doesn't take much and it's precious in it's simplicity. These two boys adore each other. Judah stares into the distance for a few moments until Elijah finds something to catch his attention upon which he chimes in with his adorable mumblings and chuckling while twirling his hands and feet round and round like babies do when they get excited. I love this scene! I'm very content in this moment. I have Brett Dennen Pandora radio playing online and Elijah is using the music to his advantage in making Judah laugh. But, Judah is quickly losing interest as his morning nap time creeps nearer and nearer and Elijah is sipping the milk out of his cereal bowl like his daddy taught him to do. I'm surprised at how good he is at sipping the milk without spilling. Elijah is going down for a morning nap today too, for the first time since he was 20 months old. I already told him so and he's fine with it. He would go down whether he were fine with it or not, but it's times like these when I tell him things that would solicit a fit in most 3 year old children that I love the way we've raised him, to be compliant and obedient... The previous typed statement proves that I am indeed a true mother, one with constantly fluctuating emotions, frustrations, understandings, confusion, insecurities and areas of assurance. When compared with the first hour of my morning me saying that I am pleased with the way we've raised Elijah just doesn't seem to match up. Judah woke up LOUD at ten till 6:00 this morning and woke up Elijah in the process. Elijah finds it impossible to roll over and go back to sleep if he wakes up anytime past about 5:00am. Both boys have been awake since then after not going to bed until almost 8:00 last night. This may sound like a dream come true for many parents, that their children would sleep this long, but both our boys are capable of and function MUCH better on 12 hours of sleep a night. Elijah had two dramatic emotional meltdowns in less than an hour this morning. One came with my simple request that he pick up the heap of crayons he dumped all over the living room rug. You'd think I'd asked him to shoot his childhood pet with the reaction the request solicited. After a half hour of him thrashing and wailing I helped him put the remaining 3 crayons in the bag that just WOULD NOT fit when he was trying by himself and told him after zipping the bag that he would taking a nap this morning when Judah took his nap. I told him he was tired and fussy and needed a nap and he looked at me very plainly and replied, "yeah." I'm at a loss as to why telling him he was going to take a nap (which he doesn't like) is answered with such a compliant response after a simple request of picking up crayons was the crisis of the morning. The mind of a 3 year old will remain a mystery to me and at times turn into a frustration that makes it tempting for me to turn my mommy badge in. What a different emotion I was experiencing last night.
I was picking through the piles of folders, binders, pictures, books and junk in the office area of our new house desperate for some semblance of organization. I came across several pictures of Elijah at 13 and 14 months old and held them up for Josh to see from the kitchen where he was working on the dishes. He came over, looked on for a moment while I told him I couldn't believe that Judah was a mere 6 months away from that same age. He sighed heavily and walked back to the kitchen. I stared for a few more moments, all sounds fading in the distance as the sound of our little 14 month old boy's laughter rang in my ears. Memories of his first year and a half of his life flooded my memory and I swallowed hard. Has it really been almost 3 years now since I brought his tiny little body home from the hospital in Kirksville, MO? Oh the adventures a new baby brings to a mom and dad. We had no idea the joy, excitement, frustration, laughter and exhaustion a child would bring to our lives. My trip down memory lane was interrupted by the sound of Josh blowing his nose. I leaned back and peeked in to see him stationed over the box of Kleenex on the counter wiping under his eyes and nose. A child will do that to a man who doesn't cry. I sat in my office chair, my stomach upsetting as I thought about how fast the past 3 years have gone. My natural instinct kicked in and I was overcome with an overwhelming desire to have another baby despite the fact that Judah is a mere 7 1/2 months old. I'm apprehensive about getting pregnant again, ever, with all the health problems I've been having as I've been told pregnancy makes them worse. Last night, that came to mind, but I just didn't care in that moment. The stage that Judah is in is one of life's precious gifts. He delights at the sight of his brother and his daddy and I can see the overwhelming joy that comes over him when he sees me. There is little that compares to the feeling this gives me. It's times like this morning, though, that snap me back hard in to reality and help me see that another pregnancy right now and another baby in 9 months would not be a wise idea. I'm more high strung right now than I have ever been in my life trying to manage two VERY different ages of children, unpacking a new house and fitting in to a new area of life and geography. I wanted to ring Elijah's neck this morning and it was because Judah woke up so early and woke Elijah up. I'm kidding myself if I think that having another baby right now would be feasible. My prayer is constant, for God to calm my temper and teach me to be patient with my children as he is patient with me. He is teaching me patience and I do not enjoy it, but it must be learned. I often daydream of the simplicity my life would have if not for my children, but as the cliche goes, I can NOT imagine my life without them, for they are the life God has given me and he has blessed me with the life he sees fit. I'm glad he knows me better than I do.
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