insecurities in a half full glass

This blog is prone to wander. I have the words in my head, but new thoughts always creep in and clutter what I'm trying to say. It could get long. It could get boring. It could get tiring listening to me recount who I am over and over, but it's who I am.
I tend toward pessimism. I'm perfectly capable of coming across confident, but much of the time I'm not. I'm timid, bashful, don't make friends easily unless introduced to them through someone else, second guess almost everything I do, lack confidence to pursue many things I know God has gifted me with, and fail to really take much on full force at the fear of failing or not being the best at it.
I went for a jog this morning. It was the first time in months I've done anything even remotely close to aerobic or exercise-y. I wasn't even able to make it a mile - at sea level none-the-less. I was sure both my sides were going to split in two and that my heart was going to jump ship to run away and find someone else to pump blood for. At sea level! I cut myself down the whole way home and sat on the back porch and cried. The "wog" wasn't the issue. It wasn't the sole reason for my weapiness. I woke up feeling uncomfortably mediocre this morning. This feeling is an on-going battle I fight. I don't remember not feeling this way and having to fight against it since I was a very small child. Satan knows my weak point and he will beat it to a bloody pulp if I'm lax and not paying close attention to fighting him off - which I haven't been of late. He's merciless! Not wanting to accept that this is simply the way I am I used to blame it on my childhood full of teasing and jeering. I was teased without avail when I was in grade school and middle school. Chances are if I was able to watch a recording of all the "mean" things the other kids said to me, they'd no doubt me out of line but I dare say they were probably not as hurtful as I remember them. It's just one more example of how my insecurities got the better of me. I do believe it has played a role in my life as I don't really remember feeling insecure about anything (even the fact that I looked like a boy) until I was teased about it, but I will no longer blame my problem with this battle on those girls (and I can name them all) or even the little boys(I can name them too) that teased me all those years. It's time to accept this as being MY biggest fault. This is who I am, but not who I HAVE to be.
There's much that I'm interested in and have been from a very young age. I've always found respite in writing my thoughts out in words and having those words being seen by others. It's never done to elicit any sort of response (unless otherwise noted), but I find comfort in other people knowing how I feel. Some people cloister away or mask or hide - I'm out in the open. Sometimes too much. Writing is one of my passions that I will no longer set aside. The vast number of "Facebook" friends I have will attest to this truth and this whole "blog" thing is another way that I'm able to be brutally honest about my humanness and the fact that I am indeed very mediocre (and I should be just find with that).
I have been fascinated, again from a very young age, with the idea and action of capturing a single moment in life in a snapshot and then being able to forever view that snapshot. There's that corny saying that talks about not looking behind, but ahead. This is something that I need some serious help on. I'm a sucker for pictures, memories, smells that conjure up past emotions and memories. I often dwell on the past. For me, often, the grass is greener in the pasture I was just grazing in. I HATE changing seasons in life and I don't do change well - I adapt alright, but I don't like to. The ironic part is that my life just seems to be getting better and better with each changing season. God never fails to take it up a step or two with every move we make (not like "every move you make, every step you take" - but every physical change of location in the U.S. - that kind of move). Even so, I find myself desperately searching for reminders of times that seemed easier. This last big section after the part where I mentioned I love taking pictures was one of those big rabbit trails I was talking about. They get out of control sometimes. The fact that I look in to the past too much has NOTHING to do with taking pictures. HA! Onward and Forward.
I LOVE taking pictures. My husband blessed me a year and a half ago by purchasing a digital SLR for me. It's an older model (we'd have to sell a kidney or worse yet, a testicle perhaps to afford the best SLR though I would love one so) and works just fine for what I do. SIDE NOTE (I will say for those of you looking in to getting an older SLR - I have a Canon 20D. I've been very happy with it but I just found out recently that it has an automatic cropping mechanism on it. No matter how wide angle of a lens you put on it, it will always crop the....wideness of it down to...I don't know the technical terms, not so wide. In other words, you can never get those sweet wide angle shots you see everyone getting. Go with the 40D. It's pretty much the same camera, but doesn't have the cropping and is only slightly more expensive used.) END OF SIDE NOTE). My favorite is taking pictures of children. They are the few left that are completely honest with raw emotion and it comes through full force in a photo. My 3 year old is a grand example of that. He HATES having his picture taken if it's not his idea. He gives aggravated looks that will kill and I end up with a whole load of photos of grumpy face Elijah. I don't usually tell people that I like taking pictures because I don't want them to expect that I am any good at it. I typically dumb down how much I know about photography (which isn't actually that much when I think about it) as to not come across as someone who should take good photos. I've taken some decent ones in the past couple years with the two cameras I've loved best. I've taken a few that my husband would claim are "professional" grade, but all in all I'm fairly average at taking pictures. You'll be hard pressed to find me putting up a "photography" website. Why? And here's where I get brutally honest - I feel like there's too many of them. It seems to be the craze right now and I see "photography" websites of peoples whose pictures I really wouldn't ever pay for. Is that a cut on them, NO! It's certainly NOT! If it's a love of there's then persue if full force! But I don't want to be the one with the website that people look at and think how not exciting and mediocre my pictures are. This again is my insecurities grabbing me by the hand and leading me away from being who God intended me to be. Is that a photographer, haha, I don't believe so. I would love to take flipping awesome photos that trump all other photos ever in the world some day, but I don't see that happening. But, the idea of someone looking at my pictures that I take for ME, that I take for US as a family, that I take for FUN and thinking that they just aren't that good is another battle against Satan that I fight often. Does it have to do with pictures? Nope! It has everything to do with him whispering destructive nothings in my ear, cutting me down and distracting me from the truth God is SCREAMING in my face from day to day. Why do I listen to the whispers instead of the screaming? Because I am a pessimist at heart. I focus on the negative. I dwell in the past. It's who I am, but NOT who I HAVE to be. This is my battle. Some days I am truly confident in who God created me and those days are numbering more than they used to but still too far and few between. Trust God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper! I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Geez. I should really listen to the screaming. This God I'm striving to know (not hard enough most the time) adores who I am. Screw what other people thing. Screw even what I think. Screw it all! He created the whole flipping world and the universe and everything! He masters everything! He is the creator of ALL beauty! He created every intricate part of me! He created who he WANTS me to be. Stupid whispering. Stupid Satan, you worthless SOB! Go wallow in hell where you belong you bastard! I will NO LONGER live in my fears! I WILL NOT BE MASTERED by my insecurities! I will CLAIM who God has called me to be! This all is the way I am, but NOT who he created me to be and NOT what I am going to claim! I WILL claim the identity he has given me, which is in him!