"Amazing Grace" - as a mother?

I've never been a very "gracious" person. I've got a temper that is in constant need of checking and at times I let that effect my graciousness with people. I'm a very empathetic person, just not gracious. It seems hard to separate the two, but I manage to do it without effort.

Elijah's speech delay has created significant emotional tension between he and has been just an all around emotional issue for both of us individually. He gets frustrated and cries because he can't articulate the words needed to help me understand what is on his mind. I get frustrated because I can't understand him, he starts crying and then just plain refuses to try, sometimes resorting to a fit to express his frustrated state. It's been rough, to say the least. I will not again wait as long as we did with Elijah to finally follow my gut and get help with a speech related delay for any of our children (if the need presents itself again). It has caused to many issues between me and him! The latest interchange and one of the more humbling for me: I put Elijah down for his nap which is never complete without singing "Jesus loves me" and "Jesus loves the little children". Once I was finished singing those two he asked me to sing the one that Daddy sang to him last night. He's asked me to sing this song 3 days in a row but I hadn't a clue what song it was, so I just said sorry and kissed him and told him to be still and try to get some sleep. I heard him shouting few minutes later and went in to see what the ruckus was about. He was trying to tell me the name of the song that Josh sings to him at night when tucking him in. I honestly could not make out one little part of the words he was saying. I wasn't frustrated yet, but he soon because flustered, began to cry and started yelling the name of the song at me. I told him to get back in the covers and try to sleep. He bawled as I covered him up and told him to quiet down. I apologized that I didn't understand him, but it was nap time, so hush and sleep. He continued to shout at me and this is where my ungraciousness flared up. It always seems to rear it's ugly head when he's shouting trying to say something he doesn't quite know how to say. Many times it ends up in a shouting match back and forth - like thats effective. If your child isn't already upset enough shouting is surely not the best thing to get them calmed and quieted - I'm still learning how to get a grip on my temper before it grips the situation. Seeing that I was aggravated he calmed down and said the words very slowly. "Amazing Grace" mommy. Sing, "Amazing Grace". Almost immediately tears welled in my eyes as the irony struck me. It's too often that I don't have any grace with Elijah. We butt heads like no mother-son combination I've seen before. It's been a true battle for me to be patient with him through this crazy 2s and 3s stage and through the whole speech delay thing. Talking to other mothers with children this age is such a comfort when it confirms that my ridiculous frustrations and ideas of who my son should be are not abnormal. "Grace" is a HUGE struggle for me sometimes in my relationship with Elijah. As me first, I've had to learn along the way what he's capable to knowing, understanding, doing (etc) at each age and stage he reaches. I feel so much more confident in my mothering of Judah simply because I understand better, because of my experiences mothering Elijah, what Judah is capable of. I haven't talked to any parents of multiple children who said they weren't harder on their first than all the rest, so I know it's normal. Some of my reactions to Elijah's behaviors are so lacking grace that I surprise myself. I chuckle when I witness other parents making the same mistakes, not because I think it's funny but simply in commiseration with their situation. There's been time I've even known BEFORE I react that my reaction will not be one of grace and isn't the right way to handle the issue, but I still react. It's so frustrating! I get frustrated with Judah, believe me, but I find myself much more gracious with him than I am with Elijah. A lot of that comes with the ages they are at, but I look back and think of some of the things that Elijah did that Judah is doing and I still feel more gracious with Judah than I did with Elijah at the time. I know this is a normal thing, but I'm daily finding ways to change it, to be more "gracious" with Elijah. It is honestly one of the biggest challenges I've faced as a mother. Don't try to reason with Elijah, just be gracious. What? That is so far opposite of my nature! But how am I to teach him that his creator is the most gracious being of all if he doesn't understand grace because I keep it from him? Yikes! Thats a weight!

I buried my head in my hands for a few minutes and breathed deep to gain my composure before singing a song about something that I all to often do not show him, "amazing grace". It is a "sweet sound", indeed, but he rarely hears it coming from me and oh how that needs to change. This wasn't an epiphany today, just a small and gentle, gracious lesson that my creator gave me through my child that needs grace from me.