Wait! Other people grow up too?

I didn't figure on getting all sentimental about Elijah starting preschool this fall. I've been waiting with anticipation for this day to come since we moved to Florida. I kept telling myself, "One year...", "less that a year...", "just a couple of months!..." Now, it's.....tomorrow. He starts his long journey of school. Tomorrow! I remember preschool! That means he's developing long term memories of his life right now. I knew that, but me being able to remember preschool and him just starting preschool makes that so much more concrete in my brain. He will remember things from right now! Josh and I hadn't mentioned school to him yet. I told him this morning and it's clear the concept is foreign to him. Partly because he has no way to understand the days on a calendar. I told him he'd go on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday. And, partly because he has no idea what actual "school" is. He knows kids go to school and he's uber excited about being a kid that goes to school, but the only "school" he can relate to is "sunday school". His preschool is at the church we attend, so it will be interesting to see if there's a big difference in his brain between Sunday school and Preschool. From 9:30 to 2:30 three days a week I will be back down to just 2 kiddos. I won't have my helper around. Judah sort of helps, but he's certainly not capable of helping like Elijah does. Judah will lose his playmate for those several hours on those 3 days. The house will be considerably more quiet.

Let me remind you: I didn't plan on getting sentimental or emotional.

I'm not sure what to expect. I'm not sure if I'll cry or if I won't. He's going to LIVE for school! I know he's going to love it, but will I?

I put Joel and Judah down for their naps and came back downstairs to tuck Elijah in. He had turned the little reading lamp on and was reading a book when I walked in. He hid behind it just enough so that all I could see was his smiling mouth. He peeked from behind it with the familiar look of questioning. I said, "nope. It's naptime. No book." He said, "yes mommy" and layed down. I shut the door behind me and took the laundry I was holding to the laundry room. Why no book? Because laundry is more important? It's his LAST day before he starts the countless years of education. I started a load of laundry and went back in to the room. He was almost asleep, but I said, "Ok, lets read THIS book!" I expected an excited smile, but he just sat up in a groggy stooper and responded, "ok". We finished the book and as we layed on the bed and talked about his first day of school my head took journeys back through the 4 years we've had him. And now, as I sit and type this and recall those memories the tears are forcing their way out. Our first day home from the hospital and how I sat on the couch with him, clueless as to what came next. Sitting in the grass in our yard in Kirksville and exploring the taste of sticks and leaves - 9 months old. Laughing hysterically at our cat, Dwight, for no apparent reason - 1 year old. Learning to climb through the railings of our stairway in Colorado to surpass the baby gate - 18 months. Visiting Daddy at Eglin and having the worst 2nd birthday ever during that 2 week visit. Loving on his new baby brother, Judah, and adapting to him better than either Josh or I expected - 2 years 4 month. Turning 3 while all of us had raging fevers, body aches, chills and bowel issues. Welcoming baby brother #2 in to the world just one day before his 4th birthday (a fact he doesn't know yet). I have actual pictures of a few of these memories, but they are all as vivid as a photo hanging on the wall in front of me. He's 4. He's going to school tomorrow. He's growing up, and I've missed more of it than I like to admit. For you new mothers, hold them tight. Love them while you have them. No, he's not off to college this fall, and yes he's still a little boy, but there's few words that come to mind to describe the desperation I feel to rewind and redo some of the last 4 years. More books at naptime. More patience. More grace. Less irritability. Less, "not now, Bud." I have 14 more years (more or less) to love on him while he's in my home, but I will NEVER get the 4 years back that have passed! And he's off to school tomorrow.

God bless me! I have THREE boys!

During my preparation for bed tonight, I picked up the roll of toilet paper sitting on the counter in our upstairs bathroom (yes, putting it on the holder is entirely too much work) and one whole section of it is swollen out with something wet. I dont think it was like that before Elijah peed before bed... bummer. The worst part, I used it anyway. This is how desensitized being a mother has made me. I shuttered when I picked it up, because of course I picked up the nast wet part, and then sat on the pot weighing my options. I could either reach over and open the vanity drawer to see if there was another roll (but that would require reaching, of course) or I could just work around the wet spot. I chose the lazy route and used the tp anyway. Conveniently the wet spot all stuck together so as I unrolled the amount I needed there were little half moon shapes missing every now and then along the edge where the wet spot tore off. That doesn't mean some of the stuff I used wasn't wet. It was, but not AS much as could have been.

The boys and I were skyping with my mom and little niece, Selah, today out on the deck. The boys were in their swim trunks and Elijah said quite point blank to my mom, "If I stand up you can see my penis!" I assured him that this wasn't true, because his trunks were covering it, and besides that it was quite inappropriate! The following sentence out of his mouth was regarding a diving toy rocket Josh bought him for his pool. He looked at "Nanny" on the computer and said, "I can shoot this rocket up in the air and it will KILL (said with Elijah's strange accent: "keeeel" somebody!"

After this encounter the boys swam for a bit longer and we all headed inside to towel them off and get them dressed. As SOON as I pulled Judah's swim trunks off his hand went straight to his privates. He mashed them into oblivian as I got his diaper ready.

These are the obsessions of my little boys. Penis and "keeeeling" somebody.

Overdrive

My posts are going to be shorter now than they've been before. I've wanted to sit and write several times since bringing #3 home from the hospital nearly 4 weeks ago, but I've entered survival mode, and long drawn out posts don't fit well in to survival mode.

I feel more exhausted today than I have on any given day in the last 4 weeks since Joel came home. He's got a cold that his brother's gave him and was hacking and gagging and gasping for air through most the night. My husband reassured me that he's created just like the rest of us, to survive many things, one being the common cold - but I can't help but SPRING out of bed every time I hear him gagging and gasping. He's been waking every 2 1/2 to 3 hours to eat during the night, so finding time to sleep has been a challenge, to say the least. Last night I was awake multiple times inbetween every feeding wacking him on the bag firmly to help him gag out the foreign invader in his airway. I was so uptight about it that I snapped at Josh, "Why do you laugh when I do this?!" (in regards to me sprinting across the room to grab Joel out of his bed). He said quite calmly, "I wasn't laughing honey, I was asking if he's ok." Josh let me sleep in for another hour and a half this morning (to just past 8) an was surprised that I came downstairs as early as I did. Joel was 30 minutes past his morning feeding and was chomping at the bit. Josh was clearly fully prepared to hold the child off as long as possible to get his poor wife whithin some reach of sanity. I fought to keep my composure all morning (lost it in the bathroom for a while by myself - the toilet lid has become my middle of the day weepy spot - I don't actually have to frequent it that often, but today was just one.of.those.days). Josh left for work around 12:15 and I set my sights on 1 o clock - the promise of naptime was just 45 minutes away. I'm not sure I even remember laying down after feeding Joel. Many times during the night I'll awake in a panic thinking I feel asleep while nursing him and have rolled on top of him. I've searched the sheets in frantic desperation, several nights, while yelling to Josh, "WHERE IS JOEL!" He got fussy about an hour in to naptime so I went and got him and brought him to the bed (a RARE occassion - bringing him to the bed, that is, not the fussiness). I made sure the sheet was far below his swaddled little body and that edge of my pillow was nowhere near him - he had more than half the bed to himself. I dreamt that I'd been sedated. I struggled to wake myself up from my dream when I heard Judah crying. I just couldn't quite reach the light. I knew I heard him, but my eyes wouldn't respond the the command my brain was giving them. Judah often wakes around 2:30, so it could have been quite a long time that I'd been trying to wake up to get him. I have no idea. Joel was lying there next to me on the bed when I woke up, and I think I've decided that he won't be joining my on the bed again; not with how "sedated" I felt. I fear I wouldn't have known if I'd rolled on top of him. It has been one of my worst fears with all three children, even though we "co-sleep" on a very rare occassion. I've had many a nightmare about it with each newborn brought home. I drug myself out of the bed to get Judah. I opened the window curtain to let the day stream in and then opened the curtain that separates he and Elijah's parts of the bedroom and hung on it (and I do mean HUNG on it) for a few moments to let my eyes adjust appropriately to my unsedated state. Once I felt stable I pulled him out of the crib and set him down to put his shorts on. I fell asleep sitting there holding his shorts out and in the quiet of my momentary slumber my brain said to me, "tuna". I opened my eyes to Judah stepping in to his shorts and I said to myself, "yes, tuna." Tuna needs to go on my grocery list (and it did once I got downstairs). This is a mom's brain at it's purest. I know there's been more exhausted. I know others have it way harder. I know I have 3 healthy, happy boys and am blessed with a supportive husband that blesses me in multiple ways any chance he gets. I know I've got it good. But, MAN am I ever exhausted!