Overdrive

My posts are going to be shorter now than they've been before. I've wanted to sit and write several times since bringing #3 home from the hospital nearly 4 weeks ago, but I've entered survival mode, and long drawn out posts don't fit well in to survival mode.

I feel more exhausted today than I have on any given day in the last 4 weeks since Joel came home. He's got a cold that his brother's gave him and was hacking and gagging and gasping for air through most the night. My husband reassured me that he's created just like the rest of us, to survive many things, one being the common cold - but I can't help but SPRING out of bed every time I hear him gagging and gasping. He's been waking every 2 1/2 to 3 hours to eat during the night, so finding time to sleep has been a challenge, to say the least. Last night I was awake multiple times inbetween every feeding wacking him on the bag firmly to help him gag out the foreign invader in his airway. I was so uptight about it that I snapped at Josh, "Why do you laugh when I do this?!" (in regards to me sprinting across the room to grab Joel out of his bed). He said quite calmly, "I wasn't laughing honey, I was asking if he's ok." Josh let me sleep in for another hour and a half this morning (to just past 8) an was surprised that I came downstairs as early as I did. Joel was 30 minutes past his morning feeding and was chomping at the bit. Josh was clearly fully prepared to hold the child off as long as possible to get his poor wife whithin some reach of sanity. I fought to keep my composure all morning (lost it in the bathroom for a while by myself - the toilet lid has become my middle of the day weepy spot - I don't actually have to frequent it that often, but today was just one.of.those.days). Josh left for work around 12:15 and I set my sights on 1 o clock - the promise of naptime was just 45 minutes away. I'm not sure I even remember laying down after feeding Joel. Many times during the night I'll awake in a panic thinking I feel asleep while nursing him and have rolled on top of him. I've searched the sheets in frantic desperation, several nights, while yelling to Josh, "WHERE IS JOEL!" He got fussy about an hour in to naptime so I went and got him and brought him to the bed (a RARE occassion - bringing him to the bed, that is, not the fussiness). I made sure the sheet was far below his swaddled little body and that edge of my pillow was nowhere near him - he had more than half the bed to himself. I dreamt that I'd been sedated. I struggled to wake myself up from my dream when I heard Judah crying. I just couldn't quite reach the light. I knew I heard him, but my eyes wouldn't respond the the command my brain was giving them. Judah often wakes around 2:30, so it could have been quite a long time that I'd been trying to wake up to get him. I have no idea. Joel was lying there next to me on the bed when I woke up, and I think I've decided that he won't be joining my on the bed again; not with how "sedated" I felt. I fear I wouldn't have known if I'd rolled on top of him. It has been one of my worst fears with all three children, even though we "co-sleep" on a very rare occassion. I've had many a nightmare about it with each newborn brought home. I drug myself out of the bed to get Judah. I opened the window curtain to let the day stream in and then opened the curtain that separates he and Elijah's parts of the bedroom and hung on it (and I do mean HUNG on it) for a few moments to let my eyes adjust appropriately to my unsedated state. Once I felt stable I pulled him out of the crib and set him down to put his shorts on. I fell asleep sitting there holding his shorts out and in the quiet of my momentary slumber my brain said to me, "tuna". I opened my eyes to Judah stepping in to his shorts and I said to myself, "yes, tuna." Tuna needs to go on my grocery list (and it did once I got downstairs). This is a mom's brain at it's purest. I know there's been more exhausted. I know others have it way harder. I know I have 3 healthy, happy boys and am blessed with a supportive husband that blesses me in multiple ways any chance he gets. I know I've got it good. But, MAN am I ever exhausted!