Three'll do it!

Almost 4 years ago now I had a conversation with a childhood friend while we sat in her living room watching her 3 kiddos and my one son play.  I asked if they were planning on having any more and she responded with an exhausted chuckle, "3 is enough!"  I remember thinking she was crazy to think that.  I, at the time was just beginning to experience what it was like to have a child walking around the house getting in to everything.  I had NO idea what I was in for in the coming years.  Though I STILL cannot see us having only 3 children, I think three is quite enough, for now.  So much so, in fact, that I've been looking into a more permanent form of birth control.  The ones that don't rely on my consistency from day to day, but just sit and do their job for 3 years.  I don't know that it will be 3 years, but it might.  We'd love to adopt next, but it's hard for me to even begin praying about that possibility during THIS season of my mothering.

I took Elijah on a date last night, just him and me, and he was SO very excited about it!  We were headed out to the car and skipping, he said in a sing-songy voice, "Going on a date.  Just me and MOMMY!"  My dear friend has her 31st birthday on Saturday and set up a 5k (3.1 miles....get it?  She's so clever!) in honor of turing 31.  I'm not usually competitive, but she's giving bags from the "Thirty-One" company (I know, she's SO clever!) for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place.  I WANT a bag!  So I've been running whenever I can this week.  Last night was my last night to run before the race, but I felt convicted that I should do a date with Elijah instead.  So I did it.  And we really had fun!  I've been frustrated with his seeming lack of progress these last few months.  Sometimes it feels for us like we've got a reign on his behavior and other times it feels like we have an almost 5 year old that still acts like his 2 1/2 year old brother.  It will never cease to amaze me how getting OUT with just ONE of my children gives me an entirely new and fresh perspective on who they are!  I still had to ask him to stop doing things that he does every other time we are in public, but I was calm about it, instead of irritated.  I didn't have a 2 1/2 year old and a 10 month old to wrangle as well.  I was able to pour all my attention into JUST him and he didn't seem so unmanageable to me.  At all!  It was so refreshing. We sat and ate our frozen yogurt while he poured out one question after another about whatever his little brain was noticing.  Normally his questions exhaust me, but they didn't last night.  I just answered them the best I could, and some of the times even answered them with HUMOR!  I know!  It's nuts!  I was able to have FUN while answering his questions!  It's incredible how much harder it is to have a sense of humor or wonder about anything while lugging 3 little boys around all at the same time.  It seemed to easy to have just him!  God KNEW I needed that last night.  I may have burnt off some angst if I had run last night, but I would NOT have woken up with the perspective on Elijah that I did this morning, had I not forfeited my run for a date with him.  We moved Elijah to the guest room (for the millionth time) last night after Judah proved to me incapable of NOT talking to him.  Judah was still awake and blabbing at 9pm!  And hour after he's normally alseep.  This has been a frustrating reality for weeks now and regardless of the punishment we use, it's just.not.stopping!  I layed in bed and tried to fall asleep from 9:15 until 10:30 - thats the last time I checked the clock.  Joel woke up at 5:40 when Josh was in and out of the dresser getting clothes.  He started fussing from the closet he sleeps in (I know...) which shares a wall with the boy's closet.  It wakes Judah up every.morning!  Judah was up at 5:50, after not falling asleep until 9:30.  I tell you what...9 hours of sleep is NOOOOOOOT enough for a 2 1/2 year old boy!  He's been telling me by 9am every day that he's "tired" and "ready for nap".  He didn't go back to sleep.  At all.  He just sat in his room and screamed at me from the tippy top of his lungs.  Phew.  That boy has got some serious lungs.  And again, regardless of the punishment used to try and stop this screaming, it just doesn't.stop.  On top of all this I had woken up in the night with a fever and sweats and felt like a smashed toad on the road when I woke up this morning.  Sleep is the ONE thing that can get rid of this virus and I'm not really getting enough of it!

I've been on the receiving end of comments like, "I just don't think you are cut out to have a big family."  Or, "Why would you ever think about having more children or adopting!?"  Ouch.  I want a big brood.  Ever since I met my husband and saw his family's dynamic (he's the 2nd of 7 children), I've wanted a lot of kids.  I see the reward my beautiful and gracious mother-in-law has in her multiple children who have indeed risen up to call her blessed.  My dear friend that shares in my exhuastion (having 3 littles herself) and has seen me at my worst with my boys gave me a mother's day card this year that said several encouraging things and ended with "I KNOW you will have children that will rise up and call you blessed!".  (Thank you Joia!  That card came in the NICK of time!)  I have had family that has encouraged me gently in the areas that I am lacking while praising the areas that I am doing well.  I have friends that I've wept to about my struggles with patience and keeping my temper tell me that I am NOT alone!
Life is an interesting road.  I have dear friends and family who LONG with all they are to be blessed with a child to raise.  Here I sit LONGING for time away from my children!  They are able to be in the midst of their situation and graciously and patiently wait on the Lord's timing, and keep the complaining to a minimum, or to not complain at ALL!  I'm exhuasted from wiping poopy butts, scraping dried caked food off the floor, table, walls and chairs.  I'm exhuasted from saying countless times a day, "please stop screaming", "do NOT speak to mommy that way", "you may NOT hit your brother!".  I'm exhausted from not ever having enough sleep.  I'm exhausted from not being able to do some of the other things I love, like working in the garage, or working on my "Booties For Food" project, which has suffered greatly in the past few months.  I'm exhausted from always having 3 littles who depend on me completely for food, drink, safety.  It's a seriously taxing job and anyone who thinks that stay at home moms have it easy, .....I have words for you!
  Speaking GENTLY to my children is a true challenge for me.  I love that I have very dear friends that have confirmed to me that this is VERY normal thing!  That in this, I am NOT alone!  It seems to make logical sense that if something is said louder and harsher it will get the point across better.  Of course this is not the case, but that is usually the realization that comes AFTER it's said, not before.
There's no fancy transitions in this post, not catchy hooks at the beginnings of the paragraphs that probably shouldn't even be new paragraphs.  It's not organized.  I just needed to write it.  This is why I feel like 3 is enough right now.
There are so many parts of motherhood that I will look back on and miss once my little boys are grown and not under our roof anymore. Many of these same things are the reason why, this morning, I sat on the kitchen floor and cried when I bent down to wipe up the millionth puddle of spilt orange juice that was streaked down the cabinet. Elijah asked me after I got back up and came to sit with them while they ate breakfast, "Will this help you stop crying Mommy, if I tell you I love you very much?"... This is why I do what I do. Because I love my boys more than I can describe. I feel that most of the time I'm too exhausted to be a great mother (and I KNOW that I'm not alone in this!), but I love my boys and will continue to humble myself at my Creator's feet begging for wisdom and strength to finish this season of my life with a resounding bang of victory! For this is the task that he has called ME to!