With each passing day raising Elijah I feel I understand less and less about his destructive, loud, aggressive and violent nature. Not understanding why he is the way he is, out side of being a typical boy, means that I haven't any ideas of how to teach and train him to control this nature he was given. I was naive to think the only obnoxious time in a boy's life is the after the age of 10 and in to the early teen years.
I know I was an obnoxious child sometimes, all children are. Even the ones that aren't obnoxious are obnoxious at some point in time. I wasn't a girly girl. My mom tried with everything she was to teach me to be a lady and it didn't pay off for her until well after I started my teen years and really not fully until the past 5 or so years. I was crude right along with all the little boys and constantly a mess from digging in the dirt and building forts in our back field. But, I don't believe I was ever violent or destructive to the point of destroying things just to destroy. He yells, he screams, he hits, he hollers, he rips, he breaks, he pounds on EVERYTHING, he slams, he stomps, he punches, he headbutts and does many many other things that up to this point in my life have come to be one of the most aggravating and exhausting experiences I've had. If I ask or tell him to be calm and not scream or yell, he quivers with rage and makes this weird guttural noise out of sheer frustration with me. I know that boys will be boys. I know that I am not called to break his will, but mold it. I know that a harsh word stirs up anger and gentle words stir up quite the opposite. I know that me raising my voice when I tell him to NOT yell is completely confusing to him! I know that him seeing the temper I have and sometimes do not control very well is completely confusing him. Yes, I understand a lot more than this, too. I DO NOT understand how I am supposed to be able to raise this crazy saviar of a child to be a constructive, gentle, kind, loving, God fearing man. There are days I feel it will take a miracle for Elijah to not end up growing in to an overly aggressive, destructive human being.
All that being said, he's a fairly good child when compared to the masses. I know that seems to be quite the opposite of the very words I just typed, but he is. His fit throwing in public is minimal (though lately has been more than usual). He obeys...most of the time. He is gentle and loving to his younger brother, Judah, most of the time. He rarely lashes out to hurt someone - it's mostly inanimate objects to which he is destructive. That being said and as fun as he can be sometimes, it's hard for me to want to spend time with him and grow our relationship and mom and son or our relationship as friends. In fact, at this point I dare say we really don't have a relationship as friends. I hurts me to say that I usually prefer to not be around him. Breaks are few and far between and they are complete in their refreshment but it takes only a matter of hours for me to be seeking out another solace from his craziness. Every mother I've spoken with that was blessed with a little boy has sung the same song. The say that once their boys reach the age of 4 or around the age of 4, then the friendship can start. The hardest part seems to be over. The bratiness seems to fade and the temper and volatility that controlled their son's behavior before takes a back burner in his every day life. Oh the day! I pray for that day to come quickly, though I know you are NOT to wish your child's years away. I may also be naive in hoping or thinking that Judah will not follow the same footsteps, but rather be much more calm and compliant as a 2-3 year old. I hope that it helps that when he reaches these treacherous years, Elijah will be well past them (by the grace of God and my obedience in his calling to be a loving mother!). Judah has always watched his brother more than either me or Josh and I imagine that will continue. We constantly tell Elijah of how he is to be an example to his brother, but he says, "yeah" with that tone that screams "I have NO idea what you are saying."
One day these days of this phase of Elijah's life will be a distant memory, a vivid one at that, but a distant one. I love my son dearly, but there are many times these current days and weeks that he makes it REALLY hard for me to enjoy him at all.
5 comments:
Hi, I don't really understand how this whole blog thing works....but I hope that you have to see and approve this before it is posted. I appreciate your frustration, but I think you are looking at this through "microscope glasses". Every time you look at Lige and see aggression, think of what a mighty warrior he will be for the Lord if that trait is controlled. Every time he seems loud and "male" think what a "Paul" he could be for the kingdom. He may very well live in a time that requires him to be beaten, stoned, left for dead, surviving shipwreck. God is sovereign and has given him those traits. What is even cooler is that God thinks YOU are the perfect parent for Elijah to get him there. Every trait a child has that seems negative as you work with it can be transformed into a powerful characteristic for his and the Lord's benefit. What is more...I have seen you emerge victorious from some pretty rough rounds in this battle of life so far. I KNOW what you can do. You guys are doing a great job with both boys. Keep focused on the basics. Hush, stop, come, no temper, and whatever else you have decided to work on. Be consistent (sometimes it takes a LONG time). Train the correct response (say it like this....play with Judah like this....pet the dog like this..... now show mama). Allow as much freedom as is reasonable and you can stand within the framework. This is the calling of God on your life....to raise of children for Him. He only calls you to do what He equips you to do. His promises are there for you . Cling to the Lord! I couldn't love you more if I gave you birth myself. I know this is a rough, disconnected time. Been there, done that. But Jesus never leaves you or forsakes you and Neither life nor death, nor angels or principalities or toddlers can separate us from the love of God!
I remember those days! It will get better...I promise! One thing that got me through was embracing the fact that all my efforts would pay off. It isn't a "stage" it is a time of learning...over and over and over...until one day it starts to pay off (for me it was between 4 and 5). Your efforts are not in vain. I think we start to mess up when we give up and into their wild behavior and begin to resent them instead. You WILL have a relationship, you will enjoy being with him! Maybe it will come at 4 or 5 or 6..but it will be there. Also, I was dealing with some depression when Addison was 2-3 and that made things much worse. I think that it will be better with Judah. I am a better mom to 3 than I was with 1 or even 2!! I think it is called experience :) Yes, God can use that wild little man of yours. I think he uses the wild ones to do radical things, the things us chickens are too scared to do!
Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate how you are speaking the truth from the heart. Parenting is not always an easy cake walk. I feel more empowered and prepared for the hard times before me know that you and other mothers like you have lived through it and came out stronger.
I just want you to know I am praying for you and i hear you- my boy is almost one but I already see in him a very strong will. It is weight we bear as parents to train them to be Godly and i know it isn't and will not be easy and i think it is ok to feel the way you do at time. Just keep showing him God's love with the consistent teaching and discipline. I can't think of the reference but in Prov. were it says "do not grow tired in doing good- at the proper time you will reap a harvest" I think a lot of times parent is like this. ((BIG HUG))
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