"Amazing Grace" - as a mother?

I've never been a very "gracious" person. I've got a temper that is in constant need of checking and at times I let that effect my graciousness with people. I'm a very empathetic person, just not gracious. It seems hard to separate the two, but I manage to do it without effort.

Elijah's speech delay has created significant emotional tension between he and has been just an all around emotional issue for both of us individually. He gets frustrated and cries because he can't articulate the words needed to help me understand what is on his mind. I get frustrated because I can't understand him, he starts crying and then just plain refuses to try, sometimes resorting to a fit to express his frustrated state. It's been rough, to say the least. I will not again wait as long as we did with Elijah to finally follow my gut and get help with a speech related delay for any of our children (if the need presents itself again). It has caused to many issues between me and him! The latest interchange and one of the more humbling for me: I put Elijah down for his nap which is never complete without singing "Jesus loves me" and "Jesus loves the little children". Once I was finished singing those two he asked me to sing the one that Daddy sang to him last night. He's asked me to sing this song 3 days in a row but I hadn't a clue what song it was, so I just said sorry and kissed him and told him to be still and try to get some sleep. I heard him shouting few minutes later and went in to see what the ruckus was about. He was trying to tell me the name of the song that Josh sings to him at night when tucking him in. I honestly could not make out one little part of the words he was saying. I wasn't frustrated yet, but he soon because flustered, began to cry and started yelling the name of the song at me. I told him to get back in the covers and try to sleep. He bawled as I covered him up and told him to quiet down. I apologized that I didn't understand him, but it was nap time, so hush and sleep. He continued to shout at me and this is where my ungraciousness flared up. It always seems to rear it's ugly head when he's shouting trying to say something he doesn't quite know how to say. Many times it ends up in a shouting match back and forth - like thats effective. If your child isn't already upset enough shouting is surely not the best thing to get them calmed and quieted - I'm still learning how to get a grip on my temper before it grips the situation. Seeing that I was aggravated he calmed down and said the words very slowly. "Amazing Grace" mommy. Sing, "Amazing Grace". Almost immediately tears welled in my eyes as the irony struck me. It's too often that I don't have any grace with Elijah. We butt heads like no mother-son combination I've seen before. It's been a true battle for me to be patient with him through this crazy 2s and 3s stage and through the whole speech delay thing. Talking to other mothers with children this age is such a comfort when it confirms that my ridiculous frustrations and ideas of who my son should be are not abnormal. "Grace" is a HUGE struggle for me sometimes in my relationship with Elijah. As me first, I've had to learn along the way what he's capable to knowing, understanding, doing (etc) at each age and stage he reaches. I feel so much more confident in my mothering of Judah simply because I understand better, because of my experiences mothering Elijah, what Judah is capable of. I haven't talked to any parents of multiple children who said they weren't harder on their first than all the rest, so I know it's normal. Some of my reactions to Elijah's behaviors are so lacking grace that I surprise myself. I chuckle when I witness other parents making the same mistakes, not because I think it's funny but simply in commiseration with their situation. There's been time I've even known BEFORE I react that my reaction will not be one of grace and isn't the right way to handle the issue, but I still react. It's so frustrating! I get frustrated with Judah, believe me, but I find myself much more gracious with him than I am with Elijah. A lot of that comes with the ages they are at, but I look back and think of some of the things that Elijah did that Judah is doing and I still feel more gracious with Judah than I did with Elijah at the time. I know this is a normal thing, but I'm daily finding ways to change it, to be more "gracious" with Elijah. It is honestly one of the biggest challenges I've faced as a mother. Don't try to reason with Elijah, just be gracious. What? That is so far opposite of my nature! But how am I to teach him that his creator is the most gracious being of all if he doesn't understand grace because I keep it from him? Yikes! Thats a weight!

I buried my head in my hands for a few minutes and breathed deep to gain my composure before singing a song about something that I all to often do not show him, "amazing grace". It is a "sweet sound", indeed, but he rarely hears it coming from me and oh how that needs to change. This wasn't an epiphany today, just a small and gentle, gracious lesson that my creator gave me through my child that needs grace from me.

What's in a dream?

I had a dream last night about a friend I worked with for a couple years back when I lived in Cheyenne. I haven't seen or heard of him for 10 years. In fact, I think it was right at 10 years ago, maybe a couple months short. As a naive high school girl it didn't really connect with me why we are called to steer clear of being a spiritual "mentor" for members of the opposite sex. Regardless of that warning, however, God really blessed our conversations in the beginning. He was the most inquisitive person I had/have come across when it came to spiritual matters and shared numerous stories with me that made it glaringly obvious to me that God was trying desperately to get his attention. He saw visions, witnessed his own life being saved in disastrous situations where any old Joe would die, was spoken to in his dreams... It just never made sense to me why he was holding back. Even he didn't understand. I prayed for him non stop and our discussions of creation, salvation, grace, unending love, etc continued on for the 2 years we worked together. Toward the end of those two years I really botched all the work that had been put in by started a social life with him outside of work. It was apparent very quickly that we had developed a rather intense emotional connection. How were we not to when we had spend nearly two years discussing the very one who had created us? God was gracious and protected me mightily from a lot of heartache I was setting myself up for. It was obvious to me then why MEN are called to walk aside MEN, and WOMEN are called to walk beside WOMEN in spiritual journeys. My parents soon caught wind of our social time together and did their best to put an immediate end to it. He was invited to church with us, but that was the ONLY time I was to see him. I resented them for tamping out my "friendship" with him, but am more grateful now than I can describe. He left our place of work just a few short months later and thats the last of it. I have NO idea where he is, how he is, who he is. I dream about him now and then, that he's in trouble, in prison, dying, hurt, lost, scared - all sorts of scenarios. How I would LOVE to know how he is, I just don't know that it's my business to track him down. I've been battling with this question all morning. If only I could talk to someone that knows him to find out how he is. I would desperately love to know that I will see his familiar face in Heaven! So here's the challenge for me. WHY has he been so heavy on my heart all these years? Is it because I feel guilty for (in my own words) "botching" all the work God had done on his heart by getting involved emotionally with him? (I know I can't botch God's work) Is it because he really truly was, for a time, one of the best friends I've had? I think he needs my help, without knowing. God has always approached me in my sleep (when I'm quiet enough to listen) to prompt me to pray. He's woken me to pray some very significant happenings, things that were currently happening. I have to pray or I go crazy! I've wandered through this morning typing his name in here and there on Google, have found a couple of matches and closed them out. Last I knew he was in Denver, but again, that was 10 years ago! I'm certain I am called to pray for him, but is that it? Are these dreams I having about him prophetic like my other dreams have been that God has woken me out of to pray? (I know that sounds really over the top to some of you). He wakes me up to intercede. Can't I intercede with more than prayer? If they are prophetic in nature, he is a most unfortunate individual. I suppose it spurs me to pray even harder. Safety, clarity of mind, protection over his soul which very well may be in the middle of a constant spiritual battle. One thing I do know is that God desperately wants him! I witnessed it for those couple of years I was a part of his life. I'm beside myself with impatience. I don't want to wait until the day I see Jesus' face to know if he is there too. To find out that his heart belongs to his creator would be one of my biggest joys in my life, sincerely. (Wouldn't it be just like the heart of Christ to have this feeling of desperation about every unbelieving person we know?!?!) I pray for him. That is all I can do. I feel awkward about hunting him down, mostly because I'm not quite sure how to do it other than calling every match I find for his name. So, I pray.

It's been a long while

I haven't been on here in months. I allowed myself to get scared away when I got a few scoffs about one of the posts I put up. That was forever ago and I'm done with it now. I feel liked we've really turned a corner here with Elijah. We go days sometimes without having to spank and what a breath of fresh air that is! He's been in speech therapy now for about 5 months and it has helped tremendously with his speech AND our frustration level with each other not being able to understand...each other. If he's slow and deliberate with his talking he can be understood for the most part, it's when he gets really excited about something that there's not a hope in the world of hearing individual words. I laugh at myself when I get frustrated with him in these times wondering how my husband feels when I get overly emotional and try to put my thoughts in to words. I have my doubts that I sound much different from my 3 1/2 year old. The biggest block we still have with the speech is his ability to put his complex thoughts in to words. I suppose that comes with age, though. He'll say, "mommy mommy" When I ask him, "yes, Elijah?", he'll say, "Ummmm,......oh nevermind!" It's funny when he says it but I can imagine it's frustrating to know exactly what needs to be said but not have the words to say it. He'll get there. He's a sweet sweet boy! The consistency we've practiced with him in our parenting has really paid off! I encourage those of you trudging through difficulties with you youngens to trudge on in pure consistency - it really does the trick in the long run. He's becoming much better at directing his aggressive nature to productivity. His fits of rage have nearly disappeared and when he feels the need to be crazy-go-nuts he goes outside and shouts to the tree tops about being batman, spiderman, "windman" (his own creation where he takes his fingers and points them straight forward while wiggling them and waving his arms back and forth...it's adorable), iceman, ironman, and really any kind of "man" that can have a some sort of word put in front of it to make it seem super hero-ish. He ADORES his little brother and kisses him at any chance he gets. He kisses his head, his feet, his belly, his hands, whatever is accessible. He tells Judah often that he "loves" him "so much!" Judah delights back. They are truly the best of friends! It's such a joy to watch their friendship grow as Judah communicates more and becomes more mobile. They get WAY crazy sometimes and need intervention, but I try to let things play out as much as I can help. It's hard for me to turn my mom-dar off, but Elijah NEEDS to learn Judah's limits and Judah NEEDS to learn how to toughen up when playing with his stronger and MUCH MUCH MUCH larger older brother. If Elijah were the scrawny one and Judah the girth-y one it may be a different story, but as they are it is an interesting match, for sure! Elijah has taken a new interest in music, particularly worship music. Nary a night or nap time goes by that he doesn't ask us to sing, "Jesus loves me" and "Jesus loves the little children." He always throw in at the last minute as we are shutting the door, "sing, You've got a friend in me", another of his favorites (from Toy Story). He sings to himself as he moseys through his day. There's been times we've told him too many times to be quiet in bed and we'll hear him and head to deal with the issue only to find him singing, "Jesus loves me" to himself. Then, of course, we listen for a few moments with peace and let him alone to worship in his own little way.

Judah is blossoming in every possible way (except walking - he'll get there). His personality is bursting from every part of him. He communicates with this adorable little high pitched "uhn?" and uses a few signs to differentiate the meaning of the "uhn". He knows "eat", "drink", "all done" and a few others sometimes and the rest of the time he says, "uhn" he's pointing with his skinny little pointer finger at an object, demanding to know what it is. He tries repeating the sound and sometimes come very close to the actual word. It will be very interesting to see how differently he develops from Elijah in the area of speech. Having an older brother who is rarely quiet is a huge plus when it comes to learning how to talk. They are constantly babbling back and forth. If Elijah leaves the room or Judah notices that he's not around he shouts at the top of his lungs, "I-uh?" It's adorable, of course. He LOVES to dance along with any type of music and sings his way through his day. He'll play, sometimes for a solid hour at a time, by himself just singing and dancing. His laugh is simply intoxicating and he has a smile that spreads the entire width of his face. He snuggly, affectionate (sort of the same thing, I know), and has a sense of humor about odd things beyond his level of understanding (or so it seems - perhaps he just loves to laugh). He has a temper that can stop a clock, however, and if fed too late is quite the tyrant to deal with! That boy knows how to throw a fit. Given time he calms down, but it's always on his own accord. He will not be distracted from his own fit of rage. :) I'm sure he will be a challenge in his own way as he ages, but we are just relishing in his adorable baby-ness right now.

I'm sure this has made up for my many frustrated blasts of words I've posted about my mothering and my children. They bless me and frustrate me all along at the same time, but ultimately I love both of them more than I know how to express.