I laid in bed for the better part of the day yesterday while my inner ear threw it's fit. Laying on my left side and looking straight forward seems to help. Or sleeping. I slept off and on quite a bit yesterday. In between sleep cycles I would hear Joel fussing downstairs (he just doesn't fuss, really ever) and I dispaired over the fact that I quite literally could not physically get out of bed to see what was wrong. I knew he was in good hands and being taken care of, but my mothering instincts were hit hard as I was forced to just listen and not respond. So I just laid, staring straight forward and cried. My beautiful friend, Terri Kennedy, was watching him and brought him up after trying everything she could think to get him to stop fussing. I laid him down next to me and nursed him and it was incredibly therapeudic for both of us. I cried more.
I feel like I'm back at the beginning of this frustrating and discouraging journey. The first vertigo attack that I had over two years ago was by far the worst (I wasn't fortunate enough at the time to have Zofran at my disposal), but this one came in as a close second. I've gone without a true attack for over a year and half, so I figured they'd just decided to leave me be. This one came out of no where. In the past year and a half any time my left ear "stuffs up" (hearing diminishes) I always had something I could blame it on. One of the kids was sick and I must be fighting something off. I was recently sick. My allergies have been bad lately. I ate something with gluten in it.... etc. I laid in bed ALL day sifting through my memory to see if I could find something, anything that I could blame this surprise attack on. Thats the worst part for me about this one. I can't blame it on anything. I want to be in control, as humans always do, but I can't this time (not that I was right any other time, but it gave me comfort to blame something) There's nothing. It came like a freight train, stayed a while and left me feeling car sick, weak and afraid of when it might come back again. I've read many a blog of sufferers of vertigo attacks that voice the fear they live in. The always anticipated and unknown arrival of yet another attack. When will the next one happen? Can I travel? Will I be driving with my 3 precious boys in the car? Will it be when Josh is gone for 2 weeks in May? Will it be when all my friends are at work or gone or busy and can't just drop everything and come to my rescue. I'm not sure how yesterday would have looked had I not been able to call Joia and Terri to come take care of my boys. I couldn't stand. I could barely lift my head off the pillow. It's like being in a "Gravitron" at the fairgrounds.
My fight is NOT letting the fear sink into my soul. If we all feared everything that COULD happen, we'd live a life steeped in dispair. It's a true struggle for me to not let it color grey everything that happens in my life, from day to day, like it did before it stopped a year and a half ago. I got really excited about something today. Then it crossed my mind, "oh yeah. I had a vertigo attack yesterday. They are back. When is it going to happen again? Will I be able to take a Zofran in time or will I heave my guts out? Will someone be able to take care of my boys? How long will it last?..." etc.
These are my fears. These are very real fears for people who suffer with vertigo attacks. I know them to be fears straight from the pit of hell, but it doesn't make it any easier to ward them off. I'm in a constant battle now to NOT fear the unknown. When and where will it happen next? Does this mean I have Meniere's? Am I going to go deaf in my left ear? Is someone else going to have to raise my children while I lay like an invulid in bed? Am I going to have to forfeit being a "fun" wife for my husband? Am I going to become a burden on my loved ones? These are my battles. I pray all day and wipe dry the tears the well in my eyes everytime it comes to mind, which right now is very frequent.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
On matters of life, and throwing a towel. (a passionate rant)
I had grand plans of "crafting" this evening, as my husband is at work and the boys are down for bed. The directions that the day took geared me to a much different evening. I sat for a good long while and had a good hard weep on the tile step to our laudry room. There's no dramatic effect intended in my detailing of where I cried and how long I cried, it's just to give clarity to just how broken my heart is over the matters that circulate through my mind. I literally could not step any further without sitting down and weeping for a good long while. For those of you who follow my musings on facebook it's no secret that I adore my husband. And I adore my children. I am blessed with a solid marriage, and blessed with 3 very perfectly healthy, beautiful boys. I'm also not a secret keeper in how hard we are on our boys. They don't get away with any malarkey. We spank, we have a somewhat flexible set schedule for the way each day looks in regards to naptimes/ snack times. We don't allow back talk. We don't allow disrespect. We don't allow intentional destructive behavior, intentional injury of others, deceptiveness, intentional badgering....and the list continues. We raise our boys in a way that we believe God has called us to raise them. Yes there are days that I feel lazy and I HATE being consistent on each and every battle we have chosen to fight, but it.must.be.done! Consistency MUST happen! I more often than not go to bed frustrated with the multiple ways I failed as a mother on any given day. I fail A LOT!
My husband and I both bend over backwards to serve eachother, even when we are exhausted and feeling lazy and selfish. Going 100% of the way for eachother is the way our marriage keeps ticking. We bless eachothers socks off at any chance we get and we adore eachother because of it. We fill eachothers "love tanks" any any opportunity and we are nearing our 7th anniversary. It's not perfect, but we WORK FOR IT! Satan aint touchin this!
Now on to why I wept. I've always sucked a praying consistently for anything, even if it's something as close to me as my own personal pain or affliction. It's not a habit as it should be, and I honestly don't think to do it first and foremost like I should, before just letting panic, worry or frustration set in. That being said, keep in mind that I am NOT finding a "holier than thou" soap box to stand upon. I'm not look to preach. I'm not looking to lecture - though it will probably come across as all the above. I'm mearly crying out for action! I know this is going to piss some people off. I know this is going to offend some people. I know this is going to open some old wounds. The past is past. This isn't a judgement. It's a call for PROACTIVE action! It's time NOW, to start acting!
Isn't it just like Satan to do anything he can to distract us and shield us away from the direction we've been called. Husbands, you are called to provide, be faithful, be loving, to protect, to be gentle, to serve and on and on and on. BE FAITHFUL - in body AND in MIND!!!! Wives, we are called to RESPECT!!!!!!!, to love, to serve and again on and on and on. Parents, we are called to raise our children "in the way he should go"!!! That means discipline! That means consistency! That means figuring out how your child learns and figuring out what motivates them to make the right choices in their little minds and guiding them, GENTLY, in that direction! (PLEASE know that I am speaking as much to myself here as to anyone else - I do not have a quiet spirit nor am I very gentle or loving in my guiding of my two oldest boys) Children absolutely THRIVE on structure, schedules, discipline.... They are NOT animals! They are NOT adults! Do what you have to do to understand as much as you can about their little sponge brains and pray your heart out for them! PRAY FOR THEM! I do NOT do this enough! They are the up and coming adults of this world and the continued spreading of God's word is going to be left in their hands once we are gone. BUT HOW can we expect them to be upstanding men and women of God when we do NOT model that for them! HOW can we expect them to keep their priorities straight when they see us, day in and day out, put one thing after another as a priority above them and about our Creator!? How can we expect them to be loving and faithful husbands and wives when we throw in the towel after just a few short years of marriage and call it quits?! How can we expect our little girls to respect themselves when we continue, as mothers, to show them it's ok for women to dress in provocative ways or simply to just show TOO MUCH SKIN!?!??! How can we expect our little girls to value their hearts more than their bodies when we indulge in every body altering method available?!?! How can we expect our little boys to steer clear of sexual temptation when explicit materials are IN THEIR HOMES?!?!?! How can we expect them to steer clear of sexual indulgence when we buy in to a culture that splatters half naked women EVERYWHERE!?? THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE! WE HAVE TO PRAY! How can we expect them to love Jesus and put him first when we don't do this?! When we spend more time on facebook (again, speaking to MYSELF!) and mindlessly web surfing instead of plastering our faces in the life guide that God wrote out for us?! Our computers, iPods, iPads, iEverything will NEVER see the number of dust specs of neglect that our Bibles see!
DON'T give up! PRAY FOR OUR CHILDREN! PRAY FOR US! We are experiencing a multifaceted assault from the most wretched being in existence and we are LETTING him win! CLOSE your eyes to the nakedness plastered everywhere. You will NEVER be able to justify indulging!! CLOSE your eyes to the convenience of getting out of a marriage that doesn't work! (As a daughter from a broken family I understand that sometimes there is no other way than out - I do not judge!) CLOSE your eyes to the ridiculous HANDS OFF approach that society calls us to have as parents and discipline your children the way "THEY" need. CLOSE your eyes to the blatant disrespect for anything to do with the worship or praise of our Creator and praise him openly! CLOSE your eyes to the pressures of this overpowering "babylonian" culture that steer you to look down on your own body! CLOSE your eyes to the over indulgent attitude that our generation is steeped in! PRAY for our generation. We are losing our grip! Don't throw in the towel!
My husband and I both bend over backwards to serve eachother, even when we are exhausted and feeling lazy and selfish. Going 100% of the way for eachother is the way our marriage keeps ticking. We bless eachothers socks off at any chance we get and we adore eachother because of it. We fill eachothers "love tanks" any any opportunity and we are nearing our 7th anniversary. It's not perfect, but we WORK FOR IT! Satan aint touchin this!
Now on to why I wept. I've always sucked a praying consistently for anything, even if it's something as close to me as my own personal pain or affliction. It's not a habit as it should be, and I honestly don't think to do it first and foremost like I should, before just letting panic, worry or frustration set in. That being said, keep in mind that I am NOT finding a "holier than thou" soap box to stand upon. I'm not look to preach. I'm not looking to lecture - though it will probably come across as all the above. I'm mearly crying out for action! I know this is going to piss some people off. I know this is going to offend some people. I know this is going to open some old wounds. The past is past. This isn't a judgement. It's a call for PROACTIVE action! It's time NOW, to start acting!
Isn't it just like Satan to do anything he can to distract us and shield us away from the direction we've been called. Husbands, you are called to provide, be faithful, be loving, to protect, to be gentle, to serve and on and on and on. BE FAITHFUL - in body AND in MIND!!!! Wives, we are called to RESPECT!!!!!!!, to love, to serve and again on and on and on. Parents, we are called to raise our children "in the way he should go"!!! That means discipline! That means consistency! That means figuring out how your child learns and figuring out what motivates them to make the right choices in their little minds and guiding them, GENTLY, in that direction! (PLEASE know that I am speaking as much to myself here as to anyone else - I do not have a quiet spirit nor am I very gentle or loving in my guiding of my two oldest boys) Children absolutely THRIVE on structure, schedules, discipline.... They are NOT animals! They are NOT adults! Do what you have to do to understand as much as you can about their little sponge brains and pray your heart out for them! PRAY FOR THEM! I do NOT do this enough! They are the up and coming adults of this world and the continued spreading of God's word is going to be left in their hands once we are gone. BUT HOW can we expect them to be upstanding men and women of God when we do NOT model that for them! HOW can we expect them to keep their priorities straight when they see us, day in and day out, put one thing after another as a priority above them and about our Creator!? How can we expect them to be loving and faithful husbands and wives when we throw in the towel after just a few short years of marriage and call it quits?! How can we expect our little girls to respect themselves when we continue, as mothers, to show them it's ok for women to dress in provocative ways or simply to just show TOO MUCH SKIN!?!??! How can we expect our little girls to value their hearts more than their bodies when we indulge in every body altering method available?!?! How can we expect our little boys to steer clear of sexual temptation when explicit materials are IN THEIR HOMES?!?!?! How can we expect them to steer clear of sexual indulgence when we buy in to a culture that splatters half naked women EVERYWHERE!?? THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE! WE HAVE TO PRAY! How can we expect them to love Jesus and put him first when we don't do this?! When we spend more time on facebook (again, speaking to MYSELF!) and mindlessly web surfing instead of plastering our faces in the life guide that God wrote out for us?! Our computers, iPods, iPads, iEverything will NEVER see the number of dust specs of neglect that our Bibles see!
DON'T give up! PRAY FOR OUR CHILDREN! PRAY FOR US! We are experiencing a multifaceted assault from the most wretched being in existence and we are LETTING him win! CLOSE your eyes to the nakedness plastered everywhere. You will NEVER be able to justify indulging!! CLOSE your eyes to the convenience of getting out of a marriage that doesn't work! (As a daughter from a broken family I understand that sometimes there is no other way than out - I do not judge!) CLOSE your eyes to the ridiculous HANDS OFF approach that society calls us to have as parents and discipline your children the way "THEY" need. CLOSE your eyes to the blatant disrespect for anything to do with the worship or praise of our Creator and praise him openly! CLOSE your eyes to the pressures of this overpowering "babylonian" culture that steer you to look down on your own body! CLOSE your eyes to the over indulgent attitude that our generation is steeped in! PRAY for our generation. We are losing our grip! Don't throw in the towel!
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