I'm exhausted. Spring has been beautiful here this year but it is very rapidly transitioning in to summer and it's still just March. This isn't a blog posting to complain, but simply to put in to written word what life entails right now. Josh is on "the team" (code name for really crappy hours and work every weekend) and the boys and I have been feeling his absence in various ways. Judah is delighted to see him but rarely seems to notice when and how long he's gone. Elijah - he has an entirely different reaction. His behavior is noticeably worse when daddy hasn't been around much (this has been true really since he was a tiny tyke). Me? I just miss my best friend (though I would rather it be this way for a thousand years than have him be deployed like some of my close friend's husbands). I wasn't cut out for the single mom life and it shines brightly as my patience and stamina decrease throughout the week. Being pregnant hasn't helped a thing. Really. I'm growing more excited each day to meet this tiny baby Joel that I feel living such a rambunctious life in the better part of my abdominal cavity, but the energy put forth to grow him has only taken away from the energy I have for the boys that are living such a rambunctious life OUTside my abdomen. Judah mostly just requires constant looking after, which is fine. Elijah on the other hand - phewy. I love the child, but he is so hard for me. I keep thinking, "maybe 4?" Maybe when he turns 4 he'll start acting nicely on a more consistent basis. I'm exhausted of being consistent in my parenting (a VERY important aspect of the parenting practices we believe to be as Godly). He's taken to screaming (and I really do mean screaming - no exaggerations) lately...about pretty much everything. Yesterday we took the boys to "construction junction" in Fort Walton Beach and he screamed in my face as I crouched down to talk to him about disobedience. He took it to a whole new level when, after screaming, he spit in my eye. Elijah really is a good kid. We have people remark about his "good" behavior often. Lately, though, it seems he is testing new waters. We think he's starting to grow out of the fit, tantrum, rebellious stage and he throws us for a whole other loop. I've never before, until this past week, heard Elijah scream about so many things. And never before, EVER, has he taken to spitting to express his anger. I was blessed that this was on Josh's day off and he promptly dealt with the poor behavior and we left "construction junction", much to Elijah's chagrin. He seemed quite distraught that we picked up and left so quickly (neither of us wanted to leave yet), but I'm sure it (i HOPE) will have a lasting impression if he feels the need to spit in my eye in the future. It's strange, because I compare him to other children his age that I see and overall he really is a wonderfully behaved child. He seems to pick bad behaviors up from other children like a little velcro ball and try them out for a while. He finds, quickly, that they don't roll well in our family. There's been issues I've been working hard to take control of (short temper, small amount of patience, expecting more that he's capable of) and I seem to just barely get ahead of his behavior when he pulls a new trick out of the bag. It's so hard for me to feel like I can get a wrap on my own issues when I don't have a break from his. It certainly doesn't make it any easier that he most noticeably prefers his daddy and is more apt to behaving around him (thus the worse behavior when Josh is gone so much - darn this medical residency life style!). (As I type this it blesses me immensely to hear Elijah sitting at the table with his dinner singing the "God you reign" song with the words "God you raisIN!" The fact that God has taken a hold of his heart at this young of an age gives me a hope and confidence that his future doesn't depend solely on how calm I stay when he does something like spitting in my eye because he's angry with me - I did actually stay quite calm with help from a clenched jaw and a few VERY deep breaths - a HUGE triumph for me!) A while back we read, "The strong willed child" by Dobson (LOVE him!). We didn't really feel like Elijah fit the bill (back then) but I certainly would say he fits it now! He's teachable (which is encouraging!) but it takes SO much patience and consistency and some days I feel like throwing up my hands is the only option left. Judah is my motivation to keep going, as he copies EV ER Y THING that Elijah does. He's started hitting (which Elijah NEVER has really had a problem with) when he's upset about something and it's very sad for me to see. He's 18 months now and asserting his independence with fervor. He's hanging on to a bit of remaining "mama's boy" behavior, but daily I see ways that he's becoming more and more of a toddler and less and less of a "easy" baby. I know he has to pass the baby stage at some point, but it's a bit disheartening for me to see right along being spit on by my oldest. We emphasize the importance to Elijah of being a good example for his baby brother. He takes this seriously, most of the time, but his behavioral issues get in the way all too often. He has the desire to be a "good" boy, but the only hope for that is constant training and that training is the very thing I often feel I just want to be done with. I'm so tired of my job sometimes. I often joke about checking in to the "crazy house", but sometimes I say it only half joking. It would be a really relaxing vacation, indeed! I've laid in bed often begging God to let Joel be a calm and compliant boy. Why God felt the need to grace me with 3 boys I know not the reason. He knows what I need, but it certainly doesn't feel that way a lot of the time. My children bless me immensely, but they also frustrate me to the point of tears SO often these days! The thought of adding another child (another BOY) to the mix is all too overwhelming at times. I wanted to get pregnant when we found out we were expecting Elijah, but many days I wonder why. Pre-moms and dads just don't have a clue. I really didn't. God will grace you with what you need when you need it, and children are a gift. Thats that. But, I've never received a gift that requires so much maintenance! Gracious! I love my children more than is measurable, but with them comes days when bashing my head on the counter over and over instead of having to listen to them sounds like fun!
