Today has been a day of attack. Not the worst I've experienced, but a day of attack none-the-less. It started in the wee hours of the morning when I woke up from a disgustingly ridiculous dream that could only have been from the pit of hell! I prayed it away and was spared slipping back in to the same dream for the remaining few hours I had left to sleep. I woke up at 6:30 to the sound of Elijah downstairs hollering to me to come help him in the bathroom. The worry and doubt set in as soon as I crawled back in to bed upstairs. Satan really uses my ability to completely unreasonable and irrational to his advantage when it comes to giving me things to worry about. This morning he was whispering in to my ear that Joel was not a viable baby. I've been waiting to get in for an ultrasound my doctor ordered to check the anatomical issues in my uterus (which have proven to NOT be an issue with my two previous pregnancies, so I'm not totally sure why she's wanting it so badly). I started worrying that maybe she was keeping something from me, which of course is completely illegal and would mean certain doom for her career, so thats not happening. Never-the-less, I started worrying that maybe there was something in the blood work or maybe on the ultrasounds she had done that was cause for concern. I've been able to feel Joel's tiny kicks for about a week and a half now (VERY early! Since about 14 1/2 weeks). The other night Josh and I were laying in bed and were blessed by the site of tiny little kicks visible on my lower abdomen. This is the VERY thing Satan, that sick bastard, used to create worry and doubt in my mind this morning. I started thinking that maybe the reason I'm showing so much less than my previous pregnancies and why Joel is riding so low and why I'm able to feel him to well is because there's not enough amniotic fluid, or maybe NONE! AHHH! I worried myself sick about it for a good hour and then did what every doctor hates....I "googled", "low amniotic fluid". Various pictures of ultrasounds revealing low amniotic fluid popped up and were a much needed comfort (silly me for not just running to my Creator for comfort instead of stupid google). Never-the-less, he blessed it and reassured me that low fluid is not a concern. The ultrasounds of Joel show plenty of fluid (to the best of my knowledge of course). Satan has planted other concerns in my brain regarding Joel and his wellbeing simply because God has blessed me tremendously already with his unexpected pregnancy. I'm in the process of drawing back to God's side through my desperation surrounding this pregnancy and I've been telling that testimony, so it's only logical that Satan, in his fantastically gross scheming, would wretch with disgust and attack with his strongest whispers. But as for my concerns with Joel, I turned that over to my Creator and he gave me comfort, as he always does. (This post has the likely-hood of containing multiple typos, but I'm not going to go back and fix them. I'm typing it and moving on to a warm bath, freshly painted toe nails and a warm bed!)
I had a follow-up ENT appointment this morning for an initial appointment I had back in June. I went in shortly after we moved here to see if we could rule out the possibility of Meniere's disease as the culprit for problems I've been having with my left ear for over a year now. The appointment was really encouraging. My ENT doc said he's nearly certain it's not, in fact, Meniere's disease. He said the fact that it seems to be fading (Meniere's disease most often increasingly gets worse with each "episode") (a short and straight forward description of Meniere's: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ménière's_disease). He was very encouraged that cutting gluten out of my diet had clearly helped tremendously and said I was, "blessed" to have probably been able to find what was causing the trouble. I'm not convinced that gluten is fully to blame, but it's been clear that cutting it out of my diet has dramatically decreased the intensity of the symptoms I experience. No more debilitating vertigo, deafening tinnitus, and my my hearing seems to actually be improving. He assured me that it sounded much more likely to be an extended or reoccuring case of "labyrinthitis" (infection of the inner ear), especially because the onset of my symptoms was directly proceeded by fluid in my left middle ear (the middle ear has nothing to do with Meniere's, but infections that enter through the sinuses into the middle ear can travel to the inner ear, very rarely, and cause "labrynthitis"). So, all in all, the appointment was encouraging, but again Satan attacked full force. The doc mentioned that IF it was Meniere's it wouldn't stay away for long, gluten or no, and I would definitely know when it was back... dun dun dun. So the worrying began. I suppose I had accepted Meniere's in my mind and thought that gluten was the for sure trigger and as long as I stayed away from gluten I was good to go. This came crashing to the ground when he said it would return, if it were in fact Meniere's. *sigh* The initial "attack" I had was a little over two months after Judah was born, so naturally I started worrying about the after part of Joel's birth. The pregnancy hormones, it has seemed, have made my tinnitus and vertigo slightly worse (though neither is nearly as horrible as they were to begin with!), so whats going to happen when my body is completely depleted after carrying a child for 8 1/2 months and then is producing mass amount of milk? Worry worry worry. I'm being drawn back to my Creator's side, and I STILL allow my head to spin with all the POSSIBILITIES of a dim future! This, I feel, is the VERY reason he's allowed these things to happen in the past year (among other things that won't be mentioned). He's been desperately beaconing me to return to his side and I've run every where else looking for answers and comfort. Immediately this morning I ran to "google" for comfort. Immediately upon arriving home from the dr. appointment this morning I ran BACK to "google" to re re reread all the Meniere's and Labrynthitis articles I've scanned so many times before, for maybe a possible morsel of hope! FOR REAL??!?!! What is my problem?!? God is asking me to TRUST and be OBEDIENT! I've been obedient and I am relearning to trust, though he's done nothing to ever lose my trust. He's blessed me with the name of this child that I'm unexpectedly pregnant with, Joel. Joel means, "Yahweh is God". He is, indeed! The significance of his name is not the meaning but rather the passages in the book of Joel that speak of EVEN NOW returning to the Lord with all your heart! Return to the Lord for he is gracious and compassionate! He's beaconing me, desperately, and I run toward him, trip and run the other direction. Of course then Satan even uses the significance of Joel's name to sow doubt in to my immature head! He assures me that God has yet one more hardship up his sleeve, that he will surely take Joel away from me because thats the only way to get me to learn my lesson. WHAT? Satan is a rotten bastard! I don't know the days of my beautiful son, Joel, but I do know that my God has me tight in his hand regardless of what happens. I'm going to enjoy every kick I feel, every hiccup, (the old spelling, "hiccough", has a red line for "misspelled" under it. Strange, huh?) every blessing that God gives me surrounding the life of this child, I will enjoy! I was nervous about him at first and even cried for a good few days, but God has changed my heart drastically. Regardless of the hardship surrounding his life and the "unplanned" arrival of him he will indeed be a blessing in our lives and we will praise God for every day we get with him!
If I had it all my way I would KNOW FOR SURE that Joel is going to be perfect in every way and healthy and will bless us with his childhood and adulthood and that I would be able to continue on in my motherhood withOUT any further problems from this dumb bum left ear of mine. I would KNOW that it wasn't going to get worse, but only get better and just, of course, be completely healed all together! But I'm not God, thank goodness! He (I KNOW IT FOR SURE!!!!) has my ENTIRE life in his hands. He is intricately involved in every tiny detail of my life (crazy to think, huh, that others all over the planet deal with despair of all sorts and we don't even know the depth of it! I am all consumed with my own dislikes about my life, I forget how fortunate I am!) He's not going to let me slip by the way side. He's not going to shove me away in disgust, and he's not going to give me anything I can't handle (although he does allow for things we do not WANT to handle...) Satan can rot in hell and he will one day, in all his horrific misery. He will pay dearly for the despair he dumps on human kind! As for now, it is my responsibility to ward him off with all means necessary. GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!
