The decision has been made - we will not be saving money to go home for Christmas. Josh made the call and finalized it in his mind and has stood fast beside it even with my persistent doubting and questioning. My heart is having a hard time with the idea of missing out on Christmas with his family this year. ALL of his family will be there. All the syblings, all their spouses and that beautiful little niece of mine that we've only seen once, they'll all be there. And my sister-in-law Jennifer with her baby belly that will be quite pronounced by then. I never really stopped to think how much of a spiritual experience it is for me to spend time with his family over Christmas. They have truly been more of a blessing to me as an in-law family than I think most can imagine an in-law family being. I always feel spiritually fed coming away from visits with his parents and syblings and to miss out on the makes my heart physically hurt - if thats possible. I nearly broke into tears several nights ago while skyping with my mother-in-law, knowing that we wouldn't be seeing them any time soon, knowing that everyone else will be in their cozy home fellowshipping with eachother - but not us. Even now I just read a comment from my sister-in-law on one of my facebook pictures of the boys and how excited she is to see them at Christmas. Now I'm crying. I'm telling you people, it honesly PHYSICALLY hurts! All I can think about is my husband getting home tonight so I can ask him just ONE.MORE.TIME! ARE YOU SURE?!?!?! I MEAN, FOR SURE FOR SURE?! That really is ALL I want for Christmas!
My husband never hesitates to tell that I am usually the one that feels the Holy Spirit's leading when something is coming about - whatever it may be. I haven't really felt it this time around, so submitting to my husband (as I am called to do!) has been a true challenge for me when it comes to this decision he's made. We've been doing the "Radical" series at church. We know something is coming down the pike. Something HUGE that will "radically" change our lives, but we just don't know what. I equate the feeling to being on the delivery bed just waiting to find out what my baby boy is going to look like. The shakes set in from the rush of hormones, maybe a wave of nausea, and then....it's time to push! Huff and puff and then if all goes well - pause - breath - there he IS! A flood of blessing and emotions I've never understood before. Beauty and pain all mixed together. Sacrifice and a blessing all bound up in this tiny screaming package of half of me and half of the one grown man on earth I adore the most. It took patience, sacrifice, time, and trust - what a gift! Thats about how I feel right now. Like I'm holding my knees and waiting to get the go ahead to push - to move forward with pure abondonment. (I think I used that term the right way....?) I DON'T HAVE A CLUE what God is up to, but we both know it's going to be something huge!
We scrimp and save for something we want. This time around - tickets for Christmas which would cost us upwards of $2000. To me, and I think to my husband spending $2000 to spend a week with family is MOST definitely worth it! We cut our budget back, have forfeited dates (which cuts out the recreation and childcare budget each month), have settled with putting Judah in clothes that are generally to big for him so we don't have to buy him new ones as well as sacrificing many other comforts - all so we could go home for Christmas. This is where the conviction comes in - for my husband right now more than me. We'll cut our budget WAY back to save money for something WE want, but we can't remember a time when we've truly sacrificed any of our budget/area of spending to provide something for someone that TRULY needs! NEED is a very subjective term. I feel like I NEEEEEED to go home for Christmas. My heart truly feels that way, but I've never EVER really been in NEEED of something in my entire life, not anything that money can buy. We've never be in want. We are blessed financially ($60,000 a year is definitely in the top 5% of the world's wealth for a family), though we often find ourselves wishing we had more to spend on this or that - a play house for the boys, a trailer for our van, more woodworking tools for the garage (I often drool over tools when making a visit to Lowes:), a more reliable car for Josh, and the list continues....and continues. So, we're scrimping and saving for whatever God will have us do with that money. He doesn't need it, thats true, but neither do we. If we can cut our budget that easily, it's money we don't NEED. We are in that waiting period - we're waiting for the go ahead to push - to move forward. It's hard for me to stop questioning, "but WHY CHRISTMAS!?!?!" Why not some other time of year. How about we just do the Christmas thing and THEN we can scrimp and save for someone else. Gimme gimme gimme, I NEEED, I NEEED! ("What About Bob" reference for any of you who have a refined taste in classic movies! :)
God gave me a really incredible opportunity today to GIVE to someone else. I didn't WANT to, I wanted the thing for myself, but she truly needed it. He put me in a position where I could have easily chosen to purchase what I had and bring it home for my own. I MOST definitely could have used it and reeeeally wanted it, but I didn't NEED it, and she did. Thats all I will say on that. He gave me just a teeny taste of what is ahead. A VERY small scale example of what he holds for our family in the future. I recognized it immediately and it's begun my journey on healing my heart of the ache of not buying plane tickets home for Christmas. It's begun me on my journey of undoubtedly trusting that though there will be great sacrifice involved, obeying, following and living in the fullness God leads us to holds promise to transform the way we view HIM, ourselves, and those he's called us to serve, whoever they may be. He is going to do mighty things - waiting to push!
