I stayed up late last night to finish a movie I knew I shouldn't have started. Netflix is a curse. I'm not sure it's ever been a blessing. Maybe it is for some. But lately I've been questioning whether I can consider a link to endless hours of mindless entertainment to be a blessing. I've watched a few good shows on there. Ones that are glorifying, and fit into the category of "whatever is true, whatever is right" etc. But most don't. And most I watch don't. This movie fit into the "don't". I don't think there was anything inherently wrong with the movie, other than the fact that the F bomb was used more times than any other movie I've watched. (And good GRACIOUS how I HATE.THAT.WORD! What a worthless word! It takes NO intelligence, NO creativity, NO language skills at all to use that ridiculous waste of breath in a sentence!) - back to the movie. The word fit the culture the movie was representing, so I understand why they used it. There wasn't anything scary. There wasn't anything too terribly disturbing. It received serious cuddos at the Sundance Film Festival. It was a documentary. There were a number of other things that needed to be done, but I chose to sit and watch the movie instead.
I had taken an excedrin PM at 8:30, but the half a box of hot tamales I ate during the movie fought hard against the PM part of the little blue pills. I struggled to fall asleep for 2 1/2 hours. My mind simply would NOT shut off! The scenes of the movie played through my memory like a damaged CD skipping back and playing just one section of a song over and over again. Short snippets of torment keeping me from sweet, rejuvenating, healing sleep. I hated the movie for it! I hated that I'd watched it! I hated that I couldn't seem to pray enough to keep the snippets from playing. As a reminder, there really wasn't anything about the movie that should have been so emotional for me. It was just a documentary about a man plagued with the addiction of eating. After a heart attack at an early age, he ditched his lifestyle, family and culture and secluded himself in the mountains to live in a dumpy trailer, away from the temptations that bombarded him each minute of the day. He lost over 100 pounds in less than a year and returned home. That's good, right?! He found a way to fight his addiction and overcome! He was triumphant!
With morning's light I realized it wasn't the movie at all.
I have a fragile mind. Being a mother has brought this to the forefront of my attention and I've learned through trial and error that I have to put forth a very constant, conscious effort to protect the mind that God has given me. I'm emotional. I'm easily rattled by results of the depravity of man. My heart pains easily as a result of the gift of empathy that I've been given. If not handled correctly, it controls me. Isn't this the downfall of mankind?! This VERY thing! The gifts that our sweet Creator gave us are the VERY downfall of mankind! In our sunken, depraved minds we let these gifts breed pride. We let them breed despair. We let them control and distract us from who we are called to be. (a blessing as I write this is watching through the office window as my two olders play beautifully together in our backyard). I've been given empathy. I've been given a fragile mind. I believe that empathetic minds ARE fragile minds! But if not protected... yikes. I chose to sit and "be" instead of "doing" last night. I was tired of "doing" after a long week of "doing". Instead of choosing to "be" in the presence of the ONLY one that could rejuvenate me, I chose to "be" in the presence of yet another glaring picture of the pain of the depravity of man. Another withdrawal from a heart under protected. It's like a bank with an overdraft charge. That movie was an overdraft charge. I wasn't emotionally prepared, I wasn't emotionally protected to watch it. If not protected, my gift of empathy controls me. I've done little to protect my heart. I've done little, of late, to protect the fragile mind that I've been given. Watching a seeming harmless movie was overdraft from an already depleted account.
An artist that has been a drink of fresh cool water to my soul sings a song who's lyrics nestle right in with this. Here's a link to it. I apologize at my lack of savvyness to create a hyperlink. Listen to it please. Please. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py6KM5GDkQw&feature=related
Hopefully pasting a link in here actually works. If not, type into youtube, "Audrey Assad restless". If you listen to this song it pretty much sums of the rest of what I could write. There isn't any better way to describe it. Here are the lyrics:
You dwell in the songs that we are singingRising to the HeavensRising to Your heartOur praises filling up the spacesIn between our frailty and everything You areYou are the keeper of my heartAnd I'm restlessI’m restless'Til I rest in You(Oh God I wanna rest in You)Oh speak now for my soul is listeningSay that You have saved meWhisper in the dark'Cause I know You’re more than my salvationWithout You I am hopelessTell me who You areYou are the keeper of my heart
Still my heartHold me closeLet me hear a still small voiceLet it growLet it riseInto a shoutInto a cry
I didn't "be" in the only rejuvinating presence in my life, but instead chose to "be" in one more thing of the world, one more thing that depletes my fragile mind. The only way that ANY human, that ALL mankind can expect to survive this broken world is to protect their gifts. To protect their minds. Protect their hearts. Protect from overdraft. The mind is fearfully and wonderfully made. But don't be a fool and think that it controls itself. Don't think that YOU can control your mind without help! Left unprotected it will drive you mad. We, and I do mean ALL of humanity, are restless until we rest in Him. It's the hard truth of the matter. It's inescapable! If you think you are outside of this it will only be matter of time until you learn that you are very wrong. I continue to learn the hard way. I continue to choose to test. I continue to proceed unprotected. I continue to "be", to "rest" in things that will only make me restless. And last night, as sick and exhausted and desperate as I was for sleep, I was too restless to sleep. Despite being doped up on benadryl, despite being worn from an emotional activity filled week, despite being sleep deprived, I laid in best restless with an unprotected mind. I will remain restless until I rest in Him. YOU, yes, even YOU will remain restless until you rest in Him!
I don't remember who it was that wrote it or where it was that I read it, but in a book a while back I read the author's words about the faith of those who support the theory of evolution needing to be stronger than the faith of those who take stock in Creationism, and ultimately stronger than those who put their faith in Christ. I thought about it briefly before continuing to read and not giving it much more thought. This morning I sat and fed my 11 month old son his oatmeal and marveled at his beauty as he giggled at his brothers who were eating their cereal at the dining room table. Those words came to my mind as I watched and admired just a tiny fraction of the "fearfully and wonderfully made" parts of his little life. The automatic response of his mouth opening every time the spoon moves toward him. Most the time he's not even looking at me. He's busy watchin his brothers, but his 11 month old brain is able to recognize and respond when it's time for another bite.
The goop at the corner of his eyes from the virus he's been fighting. The diffused sunlight streaming through the dining room window behind him revealing all the tiny blood vessels that nourish the thin tissue in his ear. The way he tries to and succeeds most of the time at mimicking the sounds his brother's make. The way that even though his brother's show very LITTLE sign of belonging in my genetic line, I think he shows promise of looking at least a LITTLE like my family. The way he's already formed a habit, reaching back and pulling at the precious curly hair that grows on the back of his head. The way that, even though he knows how to and at times does crawl normally, he usually drags himself along on his belly because he's learned that it's a faster mode of transportation for him. The way that his system does exactly as it should to pass through indigestible matter, such as the soft pine needles he often finds on the floor and eats, so that I find them in his diaper.
There isn't really a stopping point for this. The human body in all it's wonder is, in my opinion, the strongest case for our Creator, but everything else in existence is too. So I agree. I agree that it takes much stronger faith to believe in happenstance. Much stronger faith to believe in a universe with no one in charge. But what a discouraging faith to have. A faith that leads to no where except a meaningless, ending existence. A faith that puts stock in everything being an accident. Nothing on purpose - no reason for the endless pain. No point in loving or cherishing with a bitter end of ceasing to exist on the near horizon. No hope. Our faith may seem weak to some. It may seem weak to believe in someone in charge of everything and everyone. There's too many undeniable marvels of His creation. I choose faith in my Creator. I choose hope. I choose salvation from the gut wrenching pain of this broken world. I choose to be loved by the One that created my every part. My children's every part. Everyone's and everything's every part. I choose Him. For those of you who haven't, I do not envy the dispair you feel when you lose a loved one and have no hope of seeing them again, ever, in all eternity. I do not envy the hopelessness you feel when you think of the end of your own life. I do no envy the lack of hope you feel when you think that you are in full control of your own life. I do no envy the end you will ultimately meet. There's hope and salvation for every soul who accepts it. It's never too late. You are never too far gone. You are never sinful enough to not be accepted. You don't have to be without hope. You don't have to be headed for a devistating end. You don't have to be steeped in dispair. We are broken, we've chosen to be broken and until the end, that has already been written, comes to pass we will continue to experience the brokenness of this earthly existence. But OH the hope and OH the peace and OH the joy. OH the promise that nothing else can offer!
