puerile human

My utter human ness is shining through like an exploding nova today. I spent half the day obsessing over a sweater that I found a snag in the other day that I tried to repair with Frey Block. It didn't turn out well, and of course it was all over the back of my favorite EVER sweater! BIG FAT WHITE Frey Block stains! Stupid stuff. I got it all out by lunch, (soaked in rubbing alcohol for 45 minutes and then picked the rest out with tweezers and brushed out with Elijah tiny toothbrush) but not without neglecting to play with my children or even to be patient with their desires to have me interact with them. To even further my frustration with the day I woke up with my STUPID left ear all stuffed up like it does. This is the second time in 4 days that this has happened and my fears got the better of me with it today. I know fear is straight from the pit of hell, but knowing that doesn't make them any less real in my head or any easier to waylay. I soaked my face in tears and buried in in my arms after shutting myself in the laundry room while the boys were watching a movie this evening. I begged and pleaded with God to take this damn ear issue away from me, whatever the heck it is! I had what I think was as close to a "drop attack" as I've ever had today while I was sitting out on the back deck holding Joel. Praise the Lord I was sitting and also that it was mere seconds long. It could have been a mess had I been standing up. For those of you are completely lost as to what I'm talking about - I may have Meniere's disease (a disease that completely, over time, destroys the inner ear - the center for balance control and hearing). When the disease runs it's full course, all hearing in the effected ear is lost and the balance control center on that side of the brain is destroyed. It seemed to have improved immensely with the gluten free diet I started a year ago, and I was even gaining back some of the hearing I thought had been permanently lost, but just over this past 5 days it's been creeping it's way back into my life. I can't, of course, say this with all certainty, but it sure feels that way. Satan, dirty wanton, is relentless in this area of my life. He plants all sorts of fears in my head about me becoming completely incompacitated (as many Meniere's sufferers do) and unable to raise my boys. He quietly speaks to me that I will be an invulid, laid up in bed all day while some other woman is paid to raise my children for me because I can't even stand upright anymore (some Meniere's sufferers are unable to walk due to the constant lack of balance once the disease has progressed far enough). He speaks that I will become nothing but a burden on my husband and cause strain and exhaustion to the family members who are slated to care for my inept self. I know, I know, speak against it. Believe me, I DO! It's a constant spiritual fight for me and I'm just plain worn out. It's easy for me to forget what it's like to be attacked when I can hear and my balance is pretty good, but when my ear gets all full feeling like this and I can hear hardly anything out of it, the panic sets in! WHAT IF??!??! I don't even know if the issue is coming back. I don't even know if I actually have Meniere's. It may just be Labrynthitis (infection of the inner ear - symptoms are pretty much the same, just not nearly as distructive). Whatever it is, I HATE it! I don't have cancer and I'm not dying. I'm blessed beyond measure with 3 healthy boys and a husband who truly adores me for who I am. Yet, in my childish humaness I don't even so much as glance over that before just heading full on into dispair and obsession about what is wrong with ME! Why ME?! Why NOW?!? Why THIS?!?! JUST. HEAL. ME!!!! PLEASE! We are called to rejoice in all circumstances. Clearly I haven't figured it out yet. Puerile human!